The Basic Principles
Not doing what is good for you
Many people can recognize themselves in the following pattern:
- you are not doing what is good for you and
- you are doing what is bad for you
This only can lead to frustration. The trick is to find out why you feel you have to live this way. You suffer from this behaviour and still you do it. You have stumbled on a stuck pattern: your programming.
You understand every child needs unconditional love. It is your birthright. You as a child need to know your parents love you this way; as a child you cannot comprehend if your parents do not love you unconditionally. It is unimaginable to you not to be loved like that. You experience an unbearable and ungraspable pain. You don't feel the right to exist.
In order not to feel this pain, as a child you will develop a strategy or mechanism to avoid the pain, or do not have to feel anything anymore. Every child develops its own mechanisms for protection. This could be anything: perhaps you close yourself off, or you behave especially sweet or especially difficult towards your parents. It may be you become (psychosomatically) ill a lot, or often become afraid or anxious. You may have nightmares and sleeping difficulties, or you wet your bed. But also learning problems in school, running away and lots of fantasizing can be pointers to how your circumstances were when you were a kid. Children are terribly good at developing survival tactics.
In the present relationship with your partner you can encounter problems of the same order. You cannot express your feelings or you become overly nice to your partner and self-effacing, which makes you lose respect. Or you want everything to go your way and behave quarrelsome. Or you have many ails and are far too unsure of everything. But also all kinds of sleeping problems, being unable to hold a job, and dropping out of society, can be symptoms of old survival tactics.
The Relationship Between Then and Now
- as a girl you need your fathers love
- your father does not give you that love
- you suffer from this
- you cannot and dare not show this to your father
- you cannot do anything but love your father, you depend on him
- therefore, you accept his rejection as the expression of his love
- this rejection is very painful for you
- you accept the pain of this rejection as an expression of love
- you cannot and dare not show the pain of rejection
- and still you want your father to love you...
In your subconscious, all men you feel attracted to are just like your father. One day you meet him:
- you love him
- he is cool and cold towards you, he rejects you
- you are hurt, but his rejection is normal to you
- you keep loving him
- you also feel the old pain of rejection originating in your childhood
- your desire for love stays unfulfilled like it was (then)
Intellectually you will reject his attitude. Emotionally you will stay attracted to him, precisely because he rejects you. After having suffered enough you will break off the relationship and start a new one... The pattern repeats itself, endlessly.
And then you meet someone who really loves you.
Suddenly the program has an error!
Now we get the next pattern:
- you love him
- he loves you too!
- he does not reject you!
On the hard disk of your computer is written: 'If he loves me, he will reject me’. This is your belief system. You do not know what to do with this love. You feel you are in a tight corner! You start to behave nasty to him and you create distance, you reject him. But he does not give up, he loves you and stays full of tenderness. You cannot trust this so you start looking for his faults. These can always be found. You break off the relationship or hurt him so badly that he does so.
- now you are hurt, but still satisfied because
- you have been rejected again!
With such a program you will never be able to receive love; your subconscious will prevent you from it again and again. This is something very painful to have to go through. Of course you want to be able to give and receive love. You really suffer from this programming. Yet at the same time, you cannot take it when your desire for real love is fulfilled. You would rather 'die' than resist your programming. The wish for love is the beginning, but also the end. It is a very sad system and one of the most common - in many different ways. The crowning love is and stays impossible to you until you learn to see your programming, and break through it.
When you are having a relationship in which you can be who you really are, and your partner can too, you are capable of having a loving and respectful relationship. Many divorces could be avoided, when both partners would familiarize themselves in detail with their own and each other’s psychological construction, instead of reacting against the superficial patterns that result from it. previous